Fiercely Loyal Friends

So... I had an experience on Facebook that just had me thinking about the qualities I value in my friends. This, coupled with my recent epiphany about Cole’s requirements for friends has made me realize that we don’t all value the same things in people when it comes to friends, which DUH. I should have realized a long time ago since I understand that people value different things when it comes to romantic partners, why not also in friends? Anyway, here we are. Ever changing and ever growing. 

When Josh was breaking up with me he said something that still pops into my head and fills my heart with joy. Odd emotion to get from a break-up, but hear me out. I don’t know what came before or after, but he said that I have the most fiercely loyal friends he’d ever met. When he said that I started crying because he was right. My friends are fiercely loyal. And I felt honored (what may have led up to this was my feeling like I had lost my biggest source of support, and he was trying to point out that all of my friends are huge sources of support). The more I think about this, the more I feel it’s a multifaceted culmination of who I attract and who I disassociate with. 

I’m the kind of friend that people tend to reach out to when they’re up shit creek without a paddle in one way or another. I am and have always been the “Mom” of the friend group, and I’m the one people go to when they need advice or a shoulder to cry on or a pick me up. This isn’t always the case, but if we haven’t talked in a while, a solid 4/5 times this will be the case. No, this doesn't bother me for 2 reasons. 1, I only keep doing this if I feel you would do the same for me if the roles were reversed. And 2, I don’t think I could emotionally handle trying to keep up with the number of friends I have and all their up’s and downs. I think I would be exhausted all the time. As it is, keeping up with mine, Kay’s and Josh’s lives are enough of a roller coaster without having to add in the 10+ friends I should be keeping up with. Sprinkle in some acquaintances who for some reason or another come to me when shit hits the fan then go back into the shadows and that’s way too many people for me to keep up with. 

Leading me to 2. Maybe I have such fiercely loyal friends because I cut out the ones who aren’t. 

I don’t say this as a threat by any means, as most of the people I decide to stop talking to, I’m not actually mad at, just disappointed with. This isn’t to say I’m not mad at some of the people I’ve cut out, because feelings is feelings. This also isn’t to say when I cut people out, I plan for it to be permanent, as some I cut out until I’m ready to come back to it at a later date. I’m also aware that I’m in no way obligated to give people second chances.

Remember that Facebook post I mentioned then never got back to? Well, we’re back to it. I have a friend I met at UC Irvine my second or third quarter there, so sometime in early 2016 or late 2015. Irvine was ROUGH on me. It was really rough and looking back I think if I’d blogged back then I may have been happier, but I threw myself into video games instead, which... is apparently my go-to for emotional distress and isolation. 

I’m gonna call this friend... Daisy. I like Daisys. I have PTSD, and I have anxiety. And I already knew Irvine was depressing for me. So when I started this quarter of school, I asked Josh to go with me for my first day so I wouldn’t be alone. Silly little 22 year old me scared on her first day of school asking her. 25-year-old boyfriend to go with her and he obliged. During his day there, he felt the isolation that was all too familiar to me with going to UCI. But that day I saw someone I recognized from a previous Gender and Science class, and I texted Josh about this girl I recognized and waved at. He told me to say hi, I didn’t want to and I’m sure we argued until he pointed out I can’t complain about isolation if I don’t put myself out there. FINE. I said hi to Daisy. We eventually exchanged numbers and I was excited at the prospect of having made my second friend at UCI. 

We talked a lot about mental health issues. She was so fragile to me but kind-hearted. I often gave her advice on relationships she was in online dating, friends, family, medications. I would talk to her about my home life, an ex, or Josh, it was mostly to vent, not necessarily for advice though. We started having a routine where she would walk me to my next class, and sometimes sit in with me because we had the class after together as well in the same room. I cherished this friendship, I wanted the best for her, I was gentle with her but ultimately honest. Daisy has changed and grown so much since we met, and obviously, I don’t take full credit for this, but I’d like to think that I was able to help in some way too. 

Daisy is a feminist. If I had to describe her in one label, that would be it. FEMINIST. Me, I am, but I’m also careful about accurate statements as well. In Gender and Science classes, there were definitely statements sometimes that I would disagree with, and although unpopular opinion sometimes, I would voice my disagreement. Sometimes the teacher would say she had never thought of that, or sometimes she would try to explain better, it varied. But there was never contempt there between me and the teacher. Daisy and I would often carry on conversations about these classroom discussions. Some things we’ve discussed I knew challenged her views.

One of these was the use of absolutes and decisive language. I take issue with the term feminist at my core. Why Feminism instead of Equality or Equity? Feminism is of itself a gendered label of a movement that expects not just women to get behind but men as well. Male issues, POC issues, women issues, I care about them all. I hate seeing a man abuse a woman as much as I hate seeing a woman abuse a man. I hate seeing a POC being abused as much as I hate seeing a white person being abused. And I enjoy seeing bigots of any gender, race, nationality, sexuality get called out when they need to a well (My biggest bother is people who use mental illness as an excuse to be an asshat. But I’ll maybe do something on that next time). When I brought these issues up with Daisy, she agreed. First wave feminism was supposed to be for the improvement of all women, but by the time it was through, it had been watered down to only mean white women. Decisive language created an Us vs Them, and it was us who were left behind. There’s a poem by Martin Niemöller that comes to mind every time I try to argue my point. 

“First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a Socialist.

Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out— 

Because I was not a Trade Unionist.

Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out— 

Because I was not a Jew.

Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak for me.”

I’m not going to see injustice and not say anything just because it doesn’t directly affect me. Homeless doesn’t directly affect me. Drug addiction doesn’t directly affect me. Military PTSD doesn’t directly affect me. Male suicide and rape statistics don’t directly affect me. Muslims being called terrorists doesn’t directly affect me. Puerto Rico and Flint don’t directly affect me. Trans and LGBTQ rights don’t directly affect me. And yet, I care about all of these issues and more. I will fight as fiercely for their rights as I would my own merely because I feel it’s the right god damned thing to do. Which unfortunately leads me here.  

Daisy posted a video of female reporters being sexually assaulted by men as they were trying to report on various events, I believe it may have mostly been sporting events but to be honest, that’s neither here nor there. Inexcusable behavior is inexcusable behavior no matter where it is. Daisy captioned this something to the effect of “All men are literally trash” and I commented “*some men,” and left it at that. 

One of her friends responded. Something to the effect of “No, all men are literally trash. Every single one. Daisy, sis, do you want me to take this one for you?” This annoyed me for a few reasons. 

1. It wasn’t said to be productive, it was said to be argumentative
2. He’s a male. I dunno if that’s how he identifies himself, but if you showed his picture to a group of people they’d more than likely say male. I will say he was also good at makeup. 
3. THAT’S JUST FACTUALLY NOT TRUE. I don’t mean literally, I mean, saying all men are worthless is not true. 
4. She liked his comments (not mine). She said something along the lines of “I think that shouldn’t be our focus here, I think it’s about women being assaulted”. I didn’t comment on this to debate with anyone, but definitely not this spitfuck. And she made it about men when she said “all men are literally trash” instead of something like “Women should feel safe in the workplace.” “Men should keep their hands to themselves” or “Justice for female reporters” or “End Workplace Sexual Harassment” ANY of which I could get behind 100 Percent.

So I say as much. Not like that, but I say something like “No. My male friends aren’t trash. This is devisive language. Not factually correct. If someone said this to me about Josh, Daisy's boyfriend or any of my male friends I would fight them on it because it’s simply not true. The men who were assaulting these women are trash, yeah. They should have been jailed or fined at the very least.” (The bottom of this message can be seen in the photo. I didn't screenshot all of it cause I wasn't planning on blogging about it. Now I don't have access to it)

 Then a DIFFERENT friend of Daisy's who is also a male (not that I asked cause frankly if they’re not going to show me any more respect than this then I’m not going to show it to them) said “ALL MEN are misogynistic pieces of actual garbage. All WHITE MEN are racist because they benefit from it. I’m not going to stop saying it until it’s no longer true.” 

I responded that it is currently not true and that saying that is the same as saying all Muslims are terrorists or all POC are criminals and all immigrants are drug dealers. It’s NEVER correct to use absolutes when it comes to people because anything after that will never be accurate. Then the OG Disagreer said something about me reporting his comments and do I feel like an adult now and that he hopes I find argon oil and he’ll pray for me? I googled argon oil, apparently, it’s for frizzy hair. I dunno if I have frizzy hair, but my hair is just fine thanks? How we managed to get from calling half the population trash to my (supposedly) frizzy hair still has my head spinning. 

My facebook. I’m almost always arguing with someone and being called a snowflake or SJW or whatever else you wanna call me, and honestly, I don’t care because the person I argue with most I never really considered a friend. He’s someone I saw around school who I felt had a kind heart and played guitar and now he’s in the military, been totally brainwashed and now he’s for the most part a prick. But I don’t delete him because I also can’t have people around me all the time who just agree with whatever I say and blow smoke up my ass. This Guitar Playing Acquaintance made a personal attack on Daisy on my facebook once. ONCE. I called him out on it and said if he wanted to debate that’s fine, but he’s to remember to treat my friends with respect first and foremost. 

There was none of that from Daisy. She was silent. But in that silence, I heard everything I needed to hear. She would just agree with whatever I said in person and then online act like those conversations never happened. She had no problem with siccing her friends on me and didn’t even bother to ask them to have respect for me. I’d like to point out my issue wasn’t that we didn’t agree (even though I don’t like it, it’s to be expected), my issue was that when I started being personally attacked, she wasn’t there to squash it, but she actually egged it on. 

I asked her about it by the way. I screenshotted it and sent it to her in messenger. I asked her about the comment made. I gave her a chance to figure out what happened. After 3 days she hadn’t responded past this, and I realized she just wanted this to go away and no longer be brought up. She wanted me to just be okay with this. And I wasn’t. 

I deleted her off facebook and Snapchat. A few days later I remembered Instagram was still a thing when she liked some photos I’d put up and I couldn’t figure out how to make her stop seeing my things so I blocked her on here. She’s also since tagged me on something on facebook. I don’t think she had any idea. And I don’t think she ever will really. If she does it probably won't be any time soon. And if she does realize it I don’t know that she would even ask me about it. I still care about her, if she came to me needing advice or to vent, I would 100 percent still be there for her. The dynamic shift is that... she doesn't get to know what's going on with me right now. Maybe one day this relationship will be mended. But that's going to be based on whether or not she reaches out. Because this time, I don't think I'm going to.

I may send her this to explain. Not to be malicious, but to give her a chance to mend the relationship. But then again, why? Either she was too afraid to speak up to me in person about how she felt about this, or she was too afraid of her femi-nazi friends to speak against them on Facebook. But the one thing I realized is I’d never actually know how she actually felt. And that breach of trust in was huge for me. 

I'm not like Cole. I don't value people because of how much of an effort they make to not upset anybody. I'm not like Daisy in that I value people based on how much they are like me. I value diversity in my friends. I value honesty, and loyalty and availability. I can be friends with people who don't get along, and I can still see value in people I don't value enough to keep around. 

My friends. It takes a certain personality to be able to hang around them. It takes intuition. It takes being able to communicate. It takes honesty. Sensitivity. Understanding. I’ve been lucky that I’ve never moved and I’ve been able to keep the same basic friends for so long. I’m also lucky that I’ve found friends who are willing to invest as much in me as I am in them. 

I’m also lucky that my friends will tell me when I’m in the wrong. And that they would not only not get hurt when I do the same, but encourage me to do so. I’d want to know. 

I’m also lucky that I’ve been able to decide how much I’m worth. I’m worth respect. I’m worth honesty. I’ve discussed this with Josh before. And he tells me it’s not luck. It’s work I’ve put into myself, my mental health, that my friends aren’t just loyal, but that I've EARNED their loyalty. 

I think he has a point.