Being Grateful - Josh

My Little Piece of Heaven.

I’m a firm believer that everyone in your life is there for a reason. It doesn’t always necessarily have to be a good one.

I’m also a firm believer that everyone has even a little good in them.

I’ve gotten kind of a mixed bag from these beliefs, but I will say that I have mostly had good experiences. I’m fully acknowledging that there are some absolute trash people out there, but even they're usually pretty good at getting a beer open (hey, everyone’s gotta have at least one talent right?).

Today I’m going to talk about being grateful for Josh. I know I’ve talked about him quite a bit already but hear me out. I could live without him, but I don’t want to. And I think that’s where the magic happens.

There’s a song called Emotional Anorexic. I first heard this song when I was 18 during a time in my life when I had just been cheated on by a best friend of 4 years. I felt... like if such a close friend could hurt me like that, how could I ever trust anyone intimately again. At that time, I felt like that was what love was, because for me at the time, that was what love had always been.

After that, I found online dating, and 4 years later I met Josh. His tagline was “I’m online dating, how cool could I really be,” and the rest of his profile was pretty barren, except he had equal pictures himself and his dogs. That, I dug. I didn’t respond to his first message, it wasn’t personalized, his profile was barren, that was two strikes. His second message was some Eminem lyrics that I recognized and responded to because I thought it was funny. We played 2 truths and a lie, and after chatting for a few hours I knew I liked him. After a few days, I told other people I had been talking to that I’d found someone I was really interested in. Our first date was last minute. I wanted to see a movie, he declined, and I said that was fine, that I would be going anyway and then he agreed.

He. Was. So. Tall. I’m a little shorty at 5 ft 2, and he was 6 ft 4. I told him he was too tall and he chuckled and said usually that’s the first thing girls message him about, something I’d completely missed. It was awkward.  You might be asking why a movie for a first date and I’ll tell you why. You usually know pretty quickly whether or not you mesh with someone after meeting them. Previews are the perfect amount of time for small talk, and then if it’s awkward you leave after. If it’s not, you ask to do something else. Bingo, he asked afterward and I said I wanted to go to an arcade. He kissed me in his car. Kissing on a first date is something I’d never done. I was extremely uncomfortable. I worried that he kissed other girls. I worried that I’d say no and he wouldn’t want to talk to me anymore AND I TOLD HIM I WAS UNCOMFORTABLE. If he were the type to get upset with me for voicing my comfort level he wasn’t the one for me anyway. Shocker, he understood and said he would wait for me to come to him and he as worried I would take his “not making a move” as him not being interested.

I almost broke up with him about a month into the relationship. I never told you what my tagline was, but it was something like “Prone to spontaneously burst into tears” (will update if I remember what it actually was). My opening lines were basically “I have PTSD, I have anxiety and occasional depression. I’ve been raped. I’m slow to warm. Now here’s a list of things I love, including cats...” (Slipped that bombshell right in there didn't I? It's cause I'm smooth like that).

I told him the quick and dirty of my life story the first night or 2 of talking. He already knew all the bad about me and my past. There was nothing else to air out. He had been honest and forthright as well. Well, as honest as he could be. About a month in, I realized he had depression. I was conflicted. I thought I was finally dating a not broken person, but I was also going to break up with him because how could I, as a broken person, be anything but a burden on a not broken person. I was angry with him for luring me in. I was angry with him for my feeling inferior. He never made me feel that way. And then it clicked, that it made sense that he would be interested in me because I was a broken person too. And after I had sifted through my selfish feelings, I started to feel a strong resentment.

Josh around age 21

He disclosed that I was the only person who knew. The only one who found out. How could others not notice something that was so obvious to me? Previous girlfriends with their own depression and anxiety...had they been so caught up in their own illness that they couldn't take a single second to look at him and actually SEE him? Josh was a lot of things but a good liar was not one of them.

I told him he had depression and that he needed to see a therapist and tell his friends and possibly get on some medication. I told him I'd support him if he chose not to try medication as well. We spent the next year and a half cycling. I would have health issues, physical or mental, and Josh would support me. My parents would get into ugly fights and Josh opened his home to me. I'd have a rough day and he always made himself available to me. Josh would cycle through depression and I would support him. Eventually, it became too much. Josh tried to break up with me once and I said no. I refused because I knew everyone thinks they're never going to get better when they're depressed. I made a deal with him to wait until he was in a better mindset to break up with me. And 6 months later, he did. But he wasn't in a better headspace, he'd gotten worse.

I began to wonder if it was me. If he didn't love me because of me and not because of his disassociation. I began to wonder why I kept fighting for someone who didn't see a future for himself let alone one with me in it. I was frustrated. I felt betrayed. I felt used above all. He was starting to see a therapist, he was going to start taking medication, he'd finally told his family and his close friends. All the things I'd asked of him for a year and a half, and now that he had support from others, I wasn't necessary anymore. I felt abandoned. But my mental health was something I'd worked on for 5 years, I knew how to cope with this feeling, and I leaned on my friends for support. And I reflected on the relationship and what I could take with me from it.

Communication. When we started dating I would often shut down when I was distressed. I'd have to wait and reflect and mull through the emotions on my own and then I'd communicate them. He got me out of this habit and into the habit of talking through things with him. I appreciated the openness and realized I wouldn't date anyone I didn't have the same level of communication with. We stayed friends, I still cared about him deeply but I also realized I'd given so much of myself at the end that I...forgot who I was fighting for. He's been depressed for so long I'd forgotten his good qualities.

Eventually, friends told me that he still loved me and I didn't believe it because surely he would have told me. I had an anxiety attack when his mom texted me out of the blue. It angered me that it upset me so much and I had to sit with that feeling for a while to figure out why. I had grieved the loss of him, but I hadn't grieved the loss of his sisters, his mom, his puppers, or my safe place to go to when I needed someone who had my back. I realized that I had let him go, but I hadn't mulled through the messy emotions of not having my pseudo-family anymore. Shortly after this, we decided to take it slow, not jump into anything, and go on a date. 2 days and 3 dates later, it was like we'd never broke up.

More recently, he's also taught me what love is. What love should be. I didn't have an example of what a healthy loving relationship was through my parents. I knew I didn't want whatever they were. But I also didn't know how to have a relationship that was healthy and with Josh I found it. When we got back together, he started doting on me. Little things, opening my door, little looks he would give me, being more physically affectionate with me, checking in on me, getting worried when I wouldn't respond as quickly as I usually do, and being mentally present when I was around. I loved him before but it was easier to love him now. It was like dating the person I knew he was and could be all along, but who I hadn't seen in almost a year...

A couple of days ago I remembered Emotional Anorexic, and I listened to it again with Josh and I couldn't relate anymore. Years of feeling like people use me to better their lives before discarding me, and it clicked that Josh came back. He very well could have gone onto the next girl, who would never know how damaged he was, but he chose to come back to me. And I chose to try again too.

I could have moved on, but why? This person had been with me through a rough 2 years of my life and supported me through it all the while he was fighting his own demons. Why not see where it takes us when we're both in better headspaces? I'm so glad that we've made it this far. I, of course, can't be certain we're never going to split up, but I'd say our odds look pretty good. We make each other happy, we're attentive to each other's needs while not sacrificing our own, we're able to communicate well, we're able to be serious and have laughs together. After all, who else could I watch a porn reality show with, and then switch gears to Steven Universe? But I guess the most important thing is there is no one else I would RATHER do it with than him.

So thank you. Thank you for taking a chance on my broken ass instead of that tall blond dancer or the sexy snapchatting government worker. Thank you for being my rock when my parents were literally at each other's throats. For giving me a place to stay and feel safe. Puppers to pet. Sisters to love and take care of. Thank you for loving me with all my faults and seeing my good intentions even in my fuck ups. Thank you for your patience and understanding. And thank you for reminding me of my strength when I start to doubt. Thank you for letting me into your life and your mind. Thank you for loving me and letting me love you.

And now, at the request of my German American boyfriend, I'll leave you with this picture.

Happy 4th Everyone!